I want it on the record that I predicted 2024 would be the year of polyamory. With that, I still can't believe the discourse Challengers has spawned. Everyone is losing it.
That said, something about the nature of some of the discourse is ringing false to me.
When I talked about polyamory a few months ago, I didn’t discuss the emotional implications. I simply discussed the sociological underpinnings for our current cultural moment divorced from the human element. As Challengers has grown in popularity, I’ve found myself raising an eyebrow at some of the robotic speeches being given by the poly-proponents. If you’ve been to Brooklyn in the last five years, you’ve surely been cornered at a party by someone who finished The Ethical Slut fifteen minutes before and is eager to extol the virtues of non-monogamy.
I’m not knocking the lifestyle: my issue is more specifically with people who pretend jealousy simply doesn’t exist. We’ve all grown up in a post Bachelor, post Disney, post rom-com world. Intellectually, we can all say “monogamy isn’t the natural resting state for human beings” but in reality those conversations have intense emotional weight. Reddit is full of people wrestling with their very real feelings. I don’t think a speech about how “jealousy is for un-evolved individuals” (a real quote from someone at a terrible party years ago) is going to suddenly shift their thinking about the relationship style they’ve been conditioned to want for their entire lives.
I have a hot take: the performance of nonchalance and faux-enlightenment online is detracting from actual vulnerability. Part of being human is accepting that we’re flawed individuals who act out of turn, who experience jealousy and rage and contempt. I often state that conflict is not abuse, but I was on Twitter in 2007. Someone called me a slave because I didn’t like a Rihanna song. I tend to have a thicker skin than most.
In the same vein, a friend sent me a tweet where a person feigned confusion about Bridgerton star Nicola Coughlan’s body. It should also be noted that Coughlan has asked fans not to comment on her body, making this even more insidious. The snide yet confrontational tone: “that’s thin…right???” puts the onus on the reader to determine whether this actress is “plus size” or not.
Who does this serve? It’s 2024. We all fully understand the perils of living in a fatphobic world and how it affects everyone trapped within it. We also all fully understand how unfair and closed off Hollywood is for people who aren’t straight size. It feels more cruel to pretend not to understand. The “I don’t see color” folks have found new allies in people who litigate other people’s bodies. The use of a (frankly, bullshit) metric like US women’s clothing sizes to determine whether you should have empathy for another person is yet another performance of confusion, pretending to be above the very real, very human forces that make life miserable for millions of people every single day.
It should also be noted that Nicola has spoken out against ageism in the industry, admitting to lying about her age to get roles. She’s chosen her battle.
The internet has long been ruled by irony: 4chan edgelords terrorized everyone on the internet for years before falling deeper into algorithmic redpill holes, Tumblr kids snarked and sniped and honed the very specific brand of Millennial humor currently being pilloried by Gen Z, and normies joined in on the fun through their adoption of "this one" and "I did a thing" Instagram captions.
We’re a generation of people who are irony-pilled. We’re also a generation that struggles with friendships, meeting people, getting into relationships, and staying in those relationships. After comedian Stef Dag went obscenely viral for her "candid girlfriend" take, a scathing rebuttal pointed out that when you're ruled by irony, you can't be vulnerable. By default, the two cancel each other out.
I often lead with the head: my entire chart is in Capricorn, I intellectualize my way out of feeling most emotions. But when it comes to living in the world, with all of its cruelties and petty jealousies, I understand them too. Some people have transcended their basest selves. Good for them. But I study human behavior. I can’t pretend to be confused about why fatphobia hurts people or why some people shudder at the thought of radically shifting their mindsets around relationships. The performance of coolness and rationality (the scariest tool in the toolkit is playing devil’s advocate, forcing you to perform pain in order to be understood) saves no one. We’ve been online long enough: we should know better.
Neat Little Morality Slogans
Brendon Holder wrote beautifully about Challengers and Past Lives.
Brandy Jensen published a beautiful, rational, empathetic, and well-reasoned piece on polyamory. I loved this.
Book club folks: RSVP for IRL here (5/29, Brooklyn) or Zoom here (6/9). We’re going to be talking about beauty, pretty privilege, Gen Z’s corroded beauty standards on TikTok, we’re mentioning it all.
Last time I checked, jealousy was one of the four major food groups. Great post.
thanks for the shout 🙏🏿