I think you’re an exceptional writer and a really interesting thinker, but I think if you want to justly critique the people not doing the right / decent thing (politeness, study humanities, etc), you yourself need to do the right thing of conducting actual research, interviews, follow ups in the real world instead of just compiling internet discourse you’ve come across and calling it societal observation. We need to be careful that we don’t blind ourselves to the real world we’re in by assuming everyone around us agrees with the worst people on the internet. If we all do that, then that’s the world we’re in. (I personally quit social media 2 months ago and have been interacting with more strangers just in real life and have found it to be really rewarding and heartening. I would’ve agreed with you wholeheartedly 2 months ago, but speaking as an academic from a working class family the world is not nearly as depleted of culture as people pretend it to be)
Fair! moving into this year I want to do far less of the internet societal observations, so you’re right on. I think there’s an air of doom posting for sure, but the Loneliness crisis is real, people’s politics are shifting right, etc in the real world too. I’m wary of calling it just an online thing when we’re all feeling the effects of this stuff (especially with this coming administration and how much of that party is directly influenced by this dark online content)
I agree with you there 100%! I also agreed with everything in the essay, I think if we just tried finding / investigating the real world people behind some of this stuff we’d end up understanding it better, and it would bolster your argument! (Big fan btw! I totally freaked out when I saw you replied to my comment!! :) )
really an essential piece going into the new year. it's so interesting how many people associate their socials or economics with being a menace to everyone when being nice is really a matter of courtesy—I try to be nice because I want to be treated nice by the people I'm talking to and hanging out with, and that makes me feel nice inside. is that weird now? when did the general golden rule become like, a weird, suspicious thing???
and part of this is of course algorithmic; misery is memetic and replicates disastrously across all our social media platforms: a new discourse floods our feeds every week and genuine nuance struggles to catch up while the "I'm not this and that in your post, why did you make me feel bad about that" commenter reigns as king. there's this paradox where internet immediacy galvanizes a loss of human immediacy. consequences have no meaning anymore because every interaction is woven through layers of data and devices. it's like we're all stuck in the Matrix, a word salad gunk experience machine, except it's unbearably uncool.
recently I watched Babygirl and was struck by the straight line it drew between Nicole Kidman's flop malaise with the very sterile nature of her surrounding, the after-whites and bland office spaces sucking the joy and stakes from her life. Reijin's camera is really clear in establishing this, from the establishing scene itself to how the sensual affair scenes are shot and composed; clinical, bodies mechanical even in their passions. I find it so creatively satisfying that the first thing the film cuts to when the affair hits a roadblock is a shot of an automated product, doing its automated job. digital obsessions are ruining our lives.
I'm hoping 2025 is a lot better for me, in fact my first step had been recognizing that to do so is to actively pursue a better balance between the great things that the digital world has given me (friends, a crowd, new perspectives I wouldn't have broached otherwise) and the things I need to seek out in real life to be a proper person not constantly inundated with the negative, my own horrible thoughts, all the things I can't change. here's hoping.
Yeah I get very frustrated when talking about online discourse in a concerned way and people point out that this doesn't mean it's happening in real life. Of course there are real life examples of situations that contradict the general vibe that the discourse currently has. Yes, I know that there are left-wing feminist men out there who despise the Manosphere. But discourse is often times a greater indicator of the political shifts that are to come in the future. People have bad ideas, those somehow circulate and become popular/normalized within discourse, then policy is created around those terrible fucking ideas.
wonderful piece. you hit the nail on the head. i can’t help but feel sad for the future because everything seems so much darker than the world i thought i’d be living in when i was a kid. i’m a 34 year old millennial who’s now pregnant with her first child and i’m scared that myself and my husband won’t be strong enough forces to shape our child into a decent human and not like the vengeful lonely people that seem to have taken over every corner of society. one thing we’ve decided is zero social media until this kids 17. i want my kid to understand the real world before ruining them with the internet.
First, your writing and ability to link pop and online culture to the darkest forces and impulses in our culture is superb. The best year end analysis I’ve read. In between the lines is someone who cares so deeply it’s breathtaking. My mother taught me the value of a hostess gift (even a card!) and a thank you note. Not a text! A real card. People appreciate them more than you can imagine and it feels good to honor friendship and generosity. Jesus. Say hello AND hold doors open for people. Teach your children well as the boomer song goes. Thank you for this!
Have you read The Coddling of the American Mind? (full book, not just the essay) it gets into the roots of many of the phenomena you’ve noted, it was super interesting. If you haven’t read it, you may enjoy
I did some review hunting on reddit for the book and one of the conclusions was about how social media and phones are a plague and such but then someone commented with studies about how some European countries haven't experienced the loneliness epidemic that the U.S. reports. So I am wondering if they are placing too much stock in the evils of new technology rather than examine what is truly contributing to our increasing dissatisfaction with life. Is it really social media? Or is social media a way to numb and divide ourselves as those in power work to increase our unhappiness.
Lately I’ve been referring worriedly to my inevitable fate as “crazy woman yelling in the corner” and you always make me feel less alone in that. This was no different :)
Internet discourse is entirely disheartening I think, but the real world gives me a lot more hope. I have been making a point of smiling and passers by in the street and complimenting people when I can, and it’s lead to some delightful interactions! The barista I spoke to this week has said she’ll help me study Vietnamese when I come in. The old lady whose earrings I complimented gave me a flower (she sells flowers). The owner of the bookshop I like said they would like to see my artwork as they want to sell more art.
There is a joy in the small, everyday actions in the real world, and I think that’s where there is a quiet rebellion, against the internet discourse, to be had.
This was a great read, thank you. I noticed a couple of years ago on social media seeing a lot of people turning...anti social. Like you say, the "I don't owe anyone anything" mentality. You'd see it a lot in various Reddit advice forums (I'm aware Reddit is in no way the real world, but the posters are real people with real opinions). People don't want to babysit, or help friends move, or do anything that's even a minor inconvenience to help someone else. It's why I came off social media. I don't believe everyone thinks that way, but it feels like the sentiment is growing.
Side note: last year, there was a fire in someone's flat locally. My wife started an online fundraiser to help the person whose entire life had been destroyed (neither of us knew them). In the course of doing so she came across terrible comments online, of the variety of "why should I help him, no one helps me" and that he'd probably set his own flat on fire "for the insurance" or that he exploded his flat while "cooking meth". This
was not based on any actual info, just people justifying not donating (and it's not mandatory) by deciding this guy was somehow a criminal and so not donating to help him was somehow virtuous. It was crazy. I do worry about where society is heading.
You know, you and I come from very different backgrounds (I’m a dude, in my 30s, from a rural farm town) and this has been my exact experience. I made a vow to say “hello” to every person I see during my morning run (yes, I rarely get a response in return), but it’s what happens before that freaks me out - as soon as anyone sees another person coming torwards them in the distance, they hastily grab their phone and shove it in their face for the duration of time it takes for me to get passed them, pretending that they’re so engrossed in what they’re looking at that they didn’t see me at all. All of this theatre to avoid - gasp - acknowledging another human near you. None of this shit is normal.
I think you’re an exceptional writer and a really interesting thinker, but I think if you want to justly critique the people not doing the right / decent thing (politeness, study humanities, etc), you yourself need to do the right thing of conducting actual research, interviews, follow ups in the real world instead of just compiling internet discourse you’ve come across and calling it societal observation. We need to be careful that we don’t blind ourselves to the real world we’re in by assuming everyone around us agrees with the worst people on the internet. If we all do that, then that’s the world we’re in. (I personally quit social media 2 months ago and have been interacting with more strangers just in real life and have found it to be really rewarding and heartening. I would’ve agreed with you wholeheartedly 2 months ago, but speaking as an academic from a working class family the world is not nearly as depleted of culture as people pretend it to be)
Fair! moving into this year I want to do far less of the internet societal observations, so you’re right on. I think there’s an air of doom posting for sure, but the Loneliness crisis is real, people’s politics are shifting right, etc in the real world too. I’m wary of calling it just an online thing when we’re all feeling the effects of this stuff (especially with this coming administration and how much of that party is directly influenced by this dark online content)
I agree with you there 100%! I also agreed with everything in the essay, I think if we just tried finding / investigating the real world people behind some of this stuff we’d end up understanding it better, and it would bolster your argument! (Big fan btw! I totally freaked out when I saw you replied to my comment!! :) )
really an essential piece going into the new year. it's so interesting how many people associate their socials or economics with being a menace to everyone when being nice is really a matter of courtesy—I try to be nice because I want to be treated nice by the people I'm talking to and hanging out with, and that makes me feel nice inside. is that weird now? when did the general golden rule become like, a weird, suspicious thing???
and part of this is of course algorithmic; misery is memetic and replicates disastrously across all our social media platforms: a new discourse floods our feeds every week and genuine nuance struggles to catch up while the "I'm not this and that in your post, why did you make me feel bad about that" commenter reigns as king. there's this paradox where internet immediacy galvanizes a loss of human immediacy. consequences have no meaning anymore because every interaction is woven through layers of data and devices. it's like we're all stuck in the Matrix, a word salad gunk experience machine, except it's unbearably uncool.
recently I watched Babygirl and was struck by the straight line it drew between Nicole Kidman's flop malaise with the very sterile nature of her surrounding, the after-whites and bland office spaces sucking the joy and stakes from her life. Reijin's camera is really clear in establishing this, from the establishing scene itself to how the sensual affair scenes are shot and composed; clinical, bodies mechanical even in their passions. I find it so creatively satisfying that the first thing the film cuts to when the affair hits a roadblock is a shot of an automated product, doing its automated job. digital obsessions are ruining our lives.
I'm hoping 2025 is a lot better for me, in fact my first step had been recognizing that to do so is to actively pursue a better balance between the great things that the digital world has given me (friends, a crowd, new perspectives I wouldn't have broached otherwise) and the things I need to seek out in real life to be a proper person not constantly inundated with the negative, my own horrible thoughts, all the things I can't change. here's hoping.
Thank you for making me excited to read every time you write something new. Your commentary is so satisfying.
Thank you so much!
Yeah I get very frustrated when talking about online discourse in a concerned way and people point out that this doesn't mean it's happening in real life. Of course there are real life examples of situations that contradict the general vibe that the discourse currently has. Yes, I know that there are left-wing feminist men out there who despise the Manosphere. But discourse is often times a greater indicator of the political shifts that are to come in the future. People have bad ideas, those somehow circulate and become popular/normalized within discourse, then policy is created around those terrible fucking ideas.
wonderful piece. you hit the nail on the head. i can’t help but feel sad for the future because everything seems so much darker than the world i thought i’d be living in when i was a kid. i’m a 34 year old millennial who’s now pregnant with her first child and i’m scared that myself and my husband won’t be strong enough forces to shape our child into a decent human and not like the vengeful lonely people that seem to have taken over every corner of society. one thing we’ve decided is zero social media until this kids 17. i want my kid to understand the real world before ruining them with the internet.
it's so important! A lot of my friends are having kids now and I know that most of them are worried about social media's effects as well.
First, your writing and ability to link pop and online culture to the darkest forces and impulses in our culture is superb. The best year end analysis I’ve read. In between the lines is someone who cares so deeply it’s breathtaking. My mother taught me the value of a hostess gift (even a card!) and a thank you note. Not a text! A real card. People appreciate them more than you can imagine and it feels good to honor friendship and generosity. Jesus. Say hello AND hold doors open for people. Teach your children well as the boomer song goes. Thank you for this!
I have literally never said this before, but PLEASE start a podcast (esp. if tiktok goes away)
Have you read The Coddling of the American Mind? (full book, not just the essay) it gets into the roots of many of the phenomena you’ve noted, it was super interesting. If you haven’t read it, you may enjoy
I'm going to read it this year!
I did some review hunting on reddit for the book and one of the conclusions was about how social media and phones are a plague and such but then someone commented with studies about how some European countries haven't experienced the loneliness epidemic that the U.S. reports. So I am wondering if they are placing too much stock in the evils of new technology rather than examine what is truly contributing to our increasing dissatisfaction with life. Is it really social media? Or is social media a way to numb and divide ourselves as those in power work to increase our unhappiness.
Lately I’ve been referring worriedly to my inevitable fate as “crazy woman yelling in the corner” and you always make me feel less alone in that. This was no different :)
Internet discourse is entirely disheartening I think, but the real world gives me a lot more hope. I have been making a point of smiling and passers by in the street and complimenting people when I can, and it’s lead to some delightful interactions! The barista I spoke to this week has said she’ll help me study Vietnamese when I come in. The old lady whose earrings I complimented gave me a flower (she sells flowers). The owner of the bookshop I like said they would like to see my artwork as they want to sell more art.
There is a joy in the small, everyday actions in the real world, and I think that’s where there is a quiet rebellion, against the internet discourse, to be had.
This was a great read, thank you. I noticed a couple of years ago on social media seeing a lot of people turning...anti social. Like you say, the "I don't owe anyone anything" mentality. You'd see it a lot in various Reddit advice forums (I'm aware Reddit is in no way the real world, but the posters are real people with real opinions). People don't want to babysit, or help friends move, or do anything that's even a minor inconvenience to help someone else. It's why I came off social media. I don't believe everyone thinks that way, but it feels like the sentiment is growing.
Side note: last year, there was a fire in someone's flat locally. My wife started an online fundraiser to help the person whose entire life had been destroyed (neither of us knew them). In the course of doing so she came across terrible comments online, of the variety of "why should I help him, no one helps me" and that he'd probably set his own flat on fire "for the insurance" or that he exploded his flat while "cooking meth". This
was not based on any actual info, just people justifying not donating (and it's not mandatory) by deciding this guy was somehow a criminal and so not donating to help him was somehow virtuous. It was crazy. I do worry about where society is heading.
I've been seeing a lot of those "no one helps me" comments and it's always so disheartening.
This is so smart and thoughtful, really appreciate your work in the world <3
Thank you so much Emma! That means a lot coming from you!
Brava!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This one was a thinker ty!
This was a great article. Thank you.
This was the best thing I've read in....I can't tell you how long <3
Thank you!!
You know, you and I come from very different backgrounds (I’m a dude, in my 30s, from a rural farm town) and this has been my exact experience. I made a vow to say “hello” to every person I see during my morning run (yes, I rarely get a response in return), but it’s what happens before that freaks me out - as soon as anyone sees another person coming torwards them in the distance, they hastily grab their phone and shove it in their face for the duration of time it takes for me to get passed them, pretending that they’re so engrossed in what they’re looking at that they didn’t see me at all. All of this theatre to avoid - gasp - acknowledging another human near you. None of this shit is normal.